That's why when the idea of being a seminary teacher was presented it felt like such natural choice. The whole process has been a delight for me. I was excited to go to class each week and left feeling like I was walking in Heaven. Truly, it has shown me a level of happiness and communion with the spirit that I don't think I've experienced since being in the MTC.
At first this class was just for enrichment. There are certain levels of education that you have to be at before being considered. (I'm a semester or two away from being there.) I planned on taking the course to see if it was a good fit, and once I saw that it was definitely was, I resolved to come retake it upon arriving the proper benchmark.
My teacher was well-aware of this which is why it was such a shock when he invited me to continue to the next level of the program. I had the opportunity to teach once more! He was making an exception for me!
I was assigned Isaiah 1-5. It didn't worry me too much regardless of the reputation he carries of difficulty. I knew the kids were smart and I love taking a tricky piece of material and making it into something simple and clear.
The strangest thing happened as I began to prepare, however. Every students lame excuse for not doing their homework became my reality. One small example is, while typing out my lesson plan the computer buzzed and turned all my labored over notes into gibberish. There was nothing that could be done, I had to start over. That had never happened before. So long story short, everything was getting ruined, as I prepared nothing felt quite right, unexpected to-do's came up, and I even got two paper cuts. Planning was a real pain.
Finally with the help of a patient roommate and helpful friends I was able to complete my plan and practice my lesson. Their reaction was a little less than exciting, and I didn't feel overjoyed myself with the material but, it reached a place where I felt like what I had done was sufficient.
I went to bed that night sure that God would take the short-comings and make them great. I never expected what followed. Forty-five minutes after falling asleep (which was difficult to begin with...) I woke up short of breath and feeling incredibly sick. It wasn't illness it was a panic attack. I has experienced this awful thing before-- the day before I entered and the day before I left the MTC. I shook in my bed, I felt fear encompass every inch of my body, stomach churning, breath short. I begged Heavenly Father to let me sleep. I had to be up at 5am--but nothing. It was one of the longest and more difficult nights of my life.
I stared up at my ceiling waiting for the alarm to go off. I rolled out of bed attempted to put myself together as the trembling perused, and began my drive to the school. I felt completely spent. Empty. Exhausted. I continued praying 'til I entered the classroom. Peace totally came over me. My lesson went smoothly. I had energy. I felt the same bliss that I had experienced each class period before. I felt His hands on my shoulders.
It was a few hours following my lesson that I received an e-mailing me inviting me to continue in the program. How could it be? Me? God has once again shown that He can take a lump of clay and make it into a functioning vessel.
This week my scripture study posed the questions.... (Alma 5:26-28)
26 And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?
27 Have ye walked, keeping yourselves blameless before God? Could ye say, if ye were called to die at this time, within yourselves, that ye have been sufficiently humble? That your garments have been cleansed and made white through the blood of Christ, who will come to redeem his people from their sins?
28 Behold, are ye stripped of pride? I say unto you, if ye are not ye are not prepared to meet God.I'm so grateful for opportunities I have to remember how much I need God, how much I hate Satan, and how much room I have to grow. He makes me all that I am and I could do nothing without Him. Pain in growth is always shadowed by the joy of success found inside the gospel of Jesus Christ.
The powers of those unseen are real. There is so much good and so much bad around us. I know that as we strive to submit only to the good we will be unstoppable. The powers of Hell and Satan cannot concur God--so we can't choose to surrender.
"I testify that bad days come to an end, that faith always triumphs and that Heavenly promises are always kept." -Elder Holland
The church is true! Love you all! 'Til next week!
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