My Greatest Link To My Past and Brightest Hope For My Future

     I woke up today with a powerful gratitude for these lovely faces pictured above, so I threw together a poem for them. LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! 

       I'm in a special stage of life, 

       everyone keeps telling me. 

Decisions are mine for the making 

and big opportunities are mine for the taking. 

It's when I get to find myself

and be free from any ties.

I get to meet a ton of new friends

and search for a man through my "future husband lens."

It's time do just what I want

and go just where I please

But it seems to me that all I want

can sometimes feel like a cruel taunt.

My friends are all getting married

in fact most girls have their first baby.

It often feels like I'm behind

and a constant friend is hard to find. 

So I sit a pout that life moves on

and wish that I could just rewind

then I realize who's still here

this new outlook settles all my fears.

They're the ones that know me best

That love me through and through

I never really realized 

because world sure had me hypnotized.

Friends are crucial 

I could never deny it,

I have love for each girl and boy

But family has become my number one joy.

They live next door

and coast to coast

from babyhood 'til now

we're together for eternity, we each have made that vow.

I know it might sound so cliche

but my family is the best

I ALWAYS know I can count on them

I finally found God's greatest gem.

I know that life will always change

and my future could take wild turns

but I sleep easy knowing that 

my best friends stand pat.

I thank God for all of you

and know I'm never alone

you each have shown me so much love

it's something I stand in awe of.

I love you 'til the end of time

and then a little longer

my dear family I'm SO happy

this new outlook has finally found me.

I hear you.

     

         It was my freshman year of college and I was ready to live it up. My social standing was at an all time importance to me. I'd stay up all hours of the night doing whatever weird activity was going on. We had an "open door" policy in our apartment, meaning the front door was wide open anytime we were awake. New friends constantly were being made, always laughing, always go-go-going.
        Our first fast Sunday came and I sat there in the middle of our "cool kids row", when suddenly I felt the strong impression to go up and share my testimony. It was at least 20 minutes into the testimony segment of the meeting and not one person in my row had gone up. I felt anxious and nervous. I battled within myself for quite sometime until the time expired. I felt slightly guilty for not heeding the prompting but ultimately figured it probably saved me from some form of social suicide.
       To my great dismay this same feeling returned to me month after month until I had finally found the way to just shut the spirit up. I sat "in peace"  during the rest of the fast and testimony meetings. I was so glad I wasn't going to be caught up there like one of those weirdos blubbering about something we didn't really listen to. Cool kids didn't talk in church, hardly attend their meetings, and most definitely didn't go to church to learn. I was cool.
       Towards the end of my time there my very favorite roommate decided that she wanted to make a grand change in her life. It was remarkable to watch her begin to take interest in the things of the gospel. She'd ask me about the Book of Mormon, how to be able to enter the temple, what the word of wisdom and law of chastity meant to me, etc. As I saw light enter her eyes I remembered my own testimony. I thought that it'd be a beautiful thing to share my testimony the last Sunday in the ward. Of course my last Sunday didn't fall on a fast and testimony meeting, so I arranged a musical number so I could share my testimony in a  more comfortable way for me. I dubbed that "good enough" to represent all I had inside. Besides it was the "coolest" way I could think of going about it.
        We got to church that Sunday and as we sat down I glanced over my program and noticed., my name wasn't listed. Instead there wasn't just one choir number but two! What?!! I sat through the meeting sure that they'd correct the mistake at some point. An hour and fifteen minutes later I was still sitting in my same spot. Testimony sick of being held inside of me, feeling utterly looked over. I felt alone. I left the church building and began crying.
       I learned a hard lesson that day. The call to repentance swung down like an ax. I knew suddenly, I had caused my own deafness to the spirit. I had found the way to shut him out. I knew perfectly how to ignore him and only call on the gospel in times of my need and convenience. However even that had begun to feel ineffective.. Whatever great things God had in mind for me that year I had decided to opt out of and do my own thing. The tragedy was I had nothing to show for my own sorry efforts. I had lost myself, Him, and direction.

          Part two of this long tale begins with me being set apart to go on my mission. I was ready for some crazy change where all of a sudden the voice of the Lord would literally speak to me in an audible voice. At first I was troubled because it wasn't so. I felt as if this was maybe a fantasy of people that wanted to believe so badly, they convinced themselves their thoughts were something from on high. I struggled with this disillusion until I heard a quote from Elder Bednar stating to "stop worrying about whether it's you or the spirit and just do good".
        That worked for me, so anything that felt good and right to me, I did. (even if I figured I was coming up with it.) However gradually I began to see that my thought were no longer my own. Ideas would come to mind that I would have never thought up. Strange coincidences started occurring. I would know exactly what to say, where to go, and what to do. My accomplishments were greatly surpassing my own ability and intelligence. I understood for the first time, the voice of the spirit was finally heard in the way I had so so desired.  I had completely stop caring what kind of impression I was making on those around me and was solely focused on heeding the impressions I received.
       That may be the most treasured truth I own. The key to all success, confidence, joy, and truth lies within the spirit. Go with your good instincts. The Lord will see that you are open and available to promptings and use that as a powerful avenue to guide. Never never go against what your heart tells you, that only creates distance and makes it harder to hear his voice. The world is already much too boisterous. Tune in, and follow your heart.
      Oh and remember we're meant to be a "peculiar people". That's what cool is. 

1Peter 2:9 But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light.