Learning to Run

My blog starts with this incredible song today :)

My favorite section of lyrics reads:         Sometimes I feel like
                                                    I've never been nothing but tired
                                                    And I'll be working
                                                    Till the day I expire
                                                    Sometimes I lay down
                                                    No more can I do
                                                    But then I go on again
                                                    Because you ask me to

     This week it was easy to relate to the song. I balance two jobs (40+ hours a week), full time school (with three nasty midterms this week), keeping up a social life, making time for church responsibilities, and then I just added teaching another seminary class into the mix. Before it sounds too whiny let me say, I LOVE WHAT I DO! If I didn't love it, I wouldn't do it. However fatigue creeps in. I start to feel like I've spread myself too thin and when it comes time to do the very most important things my energy seems futile. 

      It's the classic object lesson. You have to fit rocks, water, and pebbles into a jar without having anything spill out. It is impossible to accomplish unless you put the rocks (symbolizing spiritual priorities) in first. However, I'm gonna 'fess up--I don't always remember to do that. I know that the problem I'm going to discuss would be resolved if I would simply remember to prioritize and always put spiritual things first.

       Sometimes I do a bad job at reading my scriptures. Sometimes I kneel down in prayer to end my day and fall asleep before I can say "amen." Sometimes I cancel my trips to the temple to fit it more study time because I used my original time to do that hanging out with friends. Sometimes I'm really lame and forget what's most important. 

       The effects of my bad balancing can lead to potentially very dangerous consequences. As I slack in my diligence I begin to lose momentum--in all things. I begin to feel bad about the things I'm not giving enough attention to. I begin to feel like I can't accomplish anything. I begin to feel like all my hard work, especially in refining my testimony is getting lost. I feel like Satan is biting at my heels waiting for me to not accomplish my visiting teaching, or go to the temple, or have the ability to listen and understand the spirit. 

       This is when I begin to feel like I'm running. The visual I have is me running towards some distant light, although the majority of the world around me is dark. I have that feeling of someone being behind me. It's so ominous. I'm running and running, out of breath, to avoid the seemingly unavoidable overtake of this darkness. It's exhausting. 

        But, wait. Then I make time for the gospel. I bring it back to the top priority. I study my scriptures first, I pray sincerely, I act immediately on spiritual promptings, and my vision changes. I'm no longer running away from darkness, I'm running towards my Savior. The visual is brightness. The feeling is joyful anticipation. I'm giddy. Energy isn't even a question because I'm so focused on getting to the One who makes me whole, I don't even notice that I'm running. 

       Today in my study I read, Mosiah 27:29 "My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity, I was in the darkest abyss, but now I behold the marvelous light of God." 

        I know that as I strive to put God first life becomes a joy. My perspective shifts dramatically and I am able to accomplish more than I ever believed possible.

Find rest in God. Keep your priorities straight. Remember that you aren't running from Satan but running towards Christ. I love you and appreciate you! Happy Sunday! 

Porn Kills Love--Good or Bad Movement?

         

           The ads are pretty hard to miss, "PORN KILLS LOVE" is all over each of our Facebook feeds. Not only that but the T-shirts with the same logo are proudly worn by many. Oh, and did I mention the organization came and did assembly at the Jr. High I work at? If this is the first thing you've heard of the phrase, here is what is what I'm taking about: fightthenewdrug.org

          I've been a big fan of this movement from the first time I've seen it. In fact I'd bet good money I'm getting one of their shirts for my birthday. It wasn't until this last weekend that I saw it in a different light.
           My dear friend and I had gotten into the conversation about this group and he said, "I feel like for every step forward that they take, they take two steps back." I was pretty surprised. Awareness to such a destructive habit had only been good in my mind. He explained that he felt like it was detrimental to be telling people that struggle with pornography that "love was killed".
         Don't misunderstand, we both agreed there needs to be open discussion on the effects pornography can and do have. What he was saying (as far as I understood) was that making people feel like the future serial killers and helpless, brainless, loveless, idiots wasn't the answer.
        This same week that I had this thought provoking conversation I was reading in Mosiah 22-27. There is a group of people that are in Lamanite bondage and they are in the process of escaping. It really is a nail biter. As I read it felt as if the Lord giving me clarity and insight to the conversations of the week. Here's what I got:

                      (vs.9) "Remember the iniquity of king Noah and his priests (for application: people that participate in pornographic activities); and I myself was caught in a snare, and did many things which were abominable in the sight of the Lord, which caused me sore repentance.."  I'm not writing to advocate for lesser consequences or avoiding frank talks about pornography. Like the sins described in this verse it is abominable and ought to cause sore repentance. BUT there is more to it!

                        (vs.10) Nevertheless, after much tribulation, the Lord did hear my cries, and did answer my prayers, and has made me an instrument in his hands in bringing so many of you to a knowledge of his truth." 
 
                         (vs 12) And  now I unto you, ye have been oppressed by (pornography) and have been in bondage to (it)...therefore ye were bound with the bands of iniquity." 

             Now here is where the insights really started flowing:

              (vs 13) "And now as you have been delivered by the power of God out of these bonds, yea even out of the hands of (pornography) and also the bands of iniquity, even so I desire that ye should stand fast in this liberty wherewith YE HAVE BEEN MADE FREE and that ye trust no (sin) to be king over you. 

                and although the context doesn't quite match the phrase (vs 17), "except it were by him from God." ended this reading with such a bright light.

What I'm proposing is that maybe phrase "Porn kills love" isn't so bad and so destructive if you immediately follow it up with "Jesus Christ restores love". Sin is sin, and consequences are inevitable. We know that pornography is incredibly bad, no shying away from that. However, Jesus Christ has overcome the world and is your support. He'll fix the "craters" it might have blown in your mind (referring to a quote by Elder Holland-when he says that that is the effect of pornography). He makes you feel loved and teaches how to have pure love in your heart.

      He takes our imperfections, big or small, and makes us into something amazing. ALL of us. His love for us is NEVER killed. I love you too. Now to take the steps forward to trusting Him and letting him deliver us from bondage--allowing His love to be the love we need first and foremost.

Freedom!

          "Yeah sure" just kinda slipped out. I would have never agreed had I actually thought about what was being asked of me. At this point in time I was hardly attending Sunday School let alone wanting to teach it. However, I'm not someone to go back on my word so I decided I'd just have to make it work.
         Throughout the week I was consumed by the stress of subbing this gospel doctrine class. Luckily my best friend was a confident teacher and incredibly knowledgeable in the gospel.  She was very kind and agreed to co-teach with me that Sunday.
        We prepared and practiced and finally Sunday came. I was sick to my stomach. As soon as I got in front of the class I froze. It truly was a saving grace having my friend by my side. My stomach ached, my eyes went blurry, my palms were sweaty, and my words were jumbled. I think I said maybe two sentences for the entire hour "we" were teaching.
          After that painful experience I vowed to never teach again.

          Now fast forward four years later. Since then I've served a mission, been called as a gospel doctrine teacher, been asked to teach relief society, give firesides, and put on devotionals. I hadn't considered this amazing change within myself until this week because of how slowly and subtly God had lead me to this point in time.
         This week held a really big landmark for me. I began student teaching as a seminary teacher. Now to be clear, I'm about a year away from actually entering the seminary teaching program so as of now it's just me getting 'wet behind the ears.' It's for me to gain experience teaching in a seminary situation.
          I spent hours preparing, I made all my friends allow me to practice teach them, I got up at 5 am so I could be there on time (I was teaching early morning so that I could get to my job on time.) and I was challenging myself to put together my first ever PowerPoint meant for teaching. To top it off I was asked to teach 2Kings 20-25--those chapters come off as a suuuuper drag until you do some digging.
         Moments before I stepped into the classroom I bowed my head to talk to Heavenly Father. It occured to me--I was a new person. He had taken this pathetic, nervous, and incompetent girl and turned me into someone who is willing to sacrifice anything to teach. Not only that but I can now do so with confidence and excitment; so much so I'm wanting to devote my whole entire life to it.
           We are the clay, He is the potter, and we must allow ourselves to be the works of His hands.

         This week I read in Mosiah 5:8, "And under this head (Jesus Christ) ye are made free..." It is all thanks to my relationship with Jesus Christ and my knowledge that I am God's daughter that I have been able to free myself from my feelings of being an inadequate teacher, or my fear of people seeing how little I feel like I know about the gospel. He has made me free.

Ether 12:27, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto them their weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me, and have fiath in me then will I make weak things become stron unto them." 

    Include the Savior and your Father in all you're striving to become and I know that mountains will be moved. The most impossible and unlikely changes can happen.

   I love you and I'm excited for us to be more than we think we can be!

He said, "Be Mine"

     

        Stumbling onto her blog was rather happenstance. We had stopped following each other on Facebook a long while back, so I had lost total touch with what was going on in her life. So a few days ago, I began reading with great wonder.
      The back story is a typical high-school love triangle. I loved boy, she loved boy too, boy couldn't decide. We never knew each other as anything other than, the obstacle between "our soulmate". *swoon* Post graduation is when I was finally crowned the winner of this consuming battle. Boy chose me! We were in love. (Well...at least for a time...)
      Now here I am six years later, reading what happened to her since, "I won.". She wrote the most beautiful post detailing how she found her dream man. (Frankly he sounds like the dream man.) They live such a happy and wonderful life. She openly discusses the difficulties of life but above all the many, many blessings that she enjoys; highlighting her husband as the most grand blessing of all.
     It was a mix of giddiness from the romance of the story but mostly self-doubt, that I felt upon reading. All these years that I thought I had won were a deception. I, being more single than ever before, felt like the biggest loser.
      This went on for a couple days. It was the first time I longed for marriage. It was the first time that every part of me ached for companionship. I came up with lists of why I wasn't lovable. I began to criticize each decision I had made, leading myself to be nearly 25, and without so much as an admirer. To top it off that same weekend was the wedding of my most recent ex-boyfriend's wedding. (Haha, I didn't know I could pull off tragic lonely girl so well....)
        So before I lose all dignity, let's move on. Valentine's Day is likely my favorite holiday. I ravish this day dedicated to expressing love! I know, I know, we shouldn't need a day to do it, but that fact that it is there to act as a reminder and opportunity is wonderful. To top this year's V-Day off, it's fallen on my favorite day of the week, Sunday!
        As I was getting ready this morning, reading through the endless feed of sweet dedications I thought to myself, what do I have to say about the man that I love? Here is the beginnings of  what I could come up with:

• He makes me feel beautiful  
• He makes me be the best version of myself
• He loves my family and friends as much, if not even more than I do!
• He pushes me to do things I never thought possible
• He's the best teacher is the world (A trait that I LOVE)
• He is fiercely loyal
• He tells me I'm special
• If there are 99 other people in a room, he still manages to make me feel remembered and unique
• He makes me so, so incredibly happy. 
• He has a plan
• He is dedicated
• He loves kids
• He not only hears me but he listens to me
• He is willing to pick up the slack, every time my dedication to the relationship isn't what it deserves to be
•  He makes my past feel noble, my present feel secure, and my future bright and exciting

   I could go on and on and on.....
My Savior, Jesus Christ, loves me. I love him. Until I find that special someone, here on earth, I can feel completely whole knowing that I am not alone, and that the most perfect human being there ever was loves me.

Romans 8:35,37-39

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril of sword?

Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

      May we each feel completely loved today. Because that's the truth, we are. Even without the chocolates, long dedications on social media, or flowers, we are so so loved. I love you, and happy Valentine's Day

Equation of Happiness

HAPPY SUNDAY!

And not just because *SPOILER ALERT* The Broncos WON! 

       I'm reading in Mosiah, and eating up every word King Benjamin has to say! It's like music is playing in my heart and the sun has come out after a long winter!

      The few verses I wanted to share with you begin with Mosiah 4:41, "...consider in the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God."

Why is this verse so intriguing?

       I confess to personally focusing way too much on how sad I am by the bad choices being made. I acknowledge, easily, how sad of a state the fallen are in. However, I don't often put the blessed and happy state of the righteous in the forefront of my mind. Seriously though, aren't my most consistently happiest and most consistently confident friends and family members the ones that are living the gospel faithfully? The answer is so obviously, yes.

It was touching to hear a convert of nine months say in our fast and testimony meeting today, "Ever since I became a member of the Church of Jesus of Christ of Latter Day Saints my bad days are no longer so bad, and my dark times are still bright because of the hope and happiness I have obtained."

Consider the happy and blessed state of the righteous.

The last two verses I want to highlight are in Mosiah 4:11-12 " And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your should, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance the greatness of God and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel. And behold I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice and be filled with the love of God, and always retain a remission of your sins, and ye shall grow in the knowledge of the glory of him that created you or in the knowledge of that which is just and true."  (POWERFUL equation right there! Want to always rejoice, be clean, etc?..,THIS IS HOW!)

SO empowering. SO true. SO encouraging. The gospel makes me feel limitless! The gospel gives me confidence! The gospel gives me wings. I.AM.SO.HAPPY!!!!!

Here's a link to a song that always makes me smile :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHASQg8fR0s

Together or Alone- I'm Going.

The dilemma.
        It was time for one of the most challenging finals of her entire college career. This teacher was infamous for writing test with questions covering things down to the minutest details of the droning lectures they had given several weeks prior. Everyone was divided into study groups for preparation.
        They sat gray faced in the library sharing notes and trying to makes sense of the complex material. As things were finally picking up, in walked Mr. Skip In His Step to save the day. He strutted up to the table and threw his backpack down. A dramatic unzipping and slow motion reach in followed. Out came the test that everyone was so furiously studying for. Was anyone else shocked? No one else seemed to feel anything other than utter relief.
*Pause Story*
       What now? We all know that the right answer is to refrain from cheating. Is it that simple though?

 

      I made this visual to help us get the idea of what needs to be considered. You stay and study with the test, you get a great grade, succeed with your classmates, remain comfortable in the class.  Negative to using the test, you feel bad, are being dishonest, lose the companionship of the Holy Ghost, run the chance of getting caught. Positivity to obedience, keep the Holy Ghost with you, follow the commandments, remain with good integrity. What about that last box? I think that this is the box that is all too often more powerful than it ought to be. The negative to obedience in this situation would be loss of camaraderie and likely friendships, potentially failing the test, hours studying that you could cut out, etc. 

       Are you ready for the cost of discipleship? Have you made the resolve that nothing  matters more than the eternal salvation that comes from always choosing obedience? 

        This week I read Jarom. A teeny tiny book in the Book of Mormon. Just one chapter. Jarom starts out by saying, "What could I write more than my fathers have written? For have they revealed the plan of salvation? I say unto, Yea; and this sufficeth me." He's saying that nothing else needs to be written or said, as long as God's plan for us has been mentioned. We know where we came from, we know why we're here, and we know where we're going. Do we really need a 'break-it-down-box' to help us make our decisions? Shouldn't we already know that obedience might often be the unpopular choice but will always have eternal benefits and sin will only bring temporary satisfaction and eternal consequences. 

       Luke 9:62, "And Jesus said unto him, No man having put this hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God."  Understanding and accepting the cost of discipleship is the first step to becoming the kind of person that God intends on us being. He will make it worth it. We might not have popularity, riches, or the other benefits from living a worldly life, but that leaves us in good company. (Jesus Christ, Joseph Smith, etc.)

        I am trying harder to remember that I have already committed my life to Him. I promised that to Him when I was eight years old, and then I recommit every single Sunday. Now if only I could follow through with that more gracefully....

      Christ is there to pick us up when we fall, He's there to give us another opportunity to choose the right. The Holy Ghost is there to help us remember. The scriptures are there to give us evidence and courage. There are so many safe holds in the gospel. We were meant to succeed! Let's make it easier on each other and personally resolve to be true disciples. 

      

      

STROKE-5 Years Later

       

       No work, so I got to sleep in. Ahh. This was gonna be the best day ever. Sun was breaking through the window. Not a care in the world.
        I heard Mom's cell phone ring two rooms over. Nothing peculiar, the woman is so popular. She starts getting phone calls at 8am and it doesn't stop ringing til 8pm. What was strange was this feeling I got. It was like a single butterfly was trying to wake up all his friends in my stomach. Had to shake it off, so I decided to get up. I knelt to pray and felt a calm wash over me and heard a whisper say, "Everything will be fine."
         Within seconds Mom came in. Wild-eyed but relatively calm. She said, "I think Charlie had a stroke. They have her at the hospital (in Logan) and have decided to life flight her to the U. I don't think things are looking good..." She was on her way out the door, and requested that I go get my siblings from school. We would wait for further instruction, but she wanted us ready to head up.
       Those few hours of not knowing anything wore heavily on my siblings. I remember trying to tell them the feelings I had experienced earlier but in crisis mode, it's hard to take other peoples premonitions too seriously.
       Long story short, by an incredible miracle Charlie survived. The first night we saw her was heart-breaking almost as much as it was a relief. She went from being the leader of the pack to this helpless girl. She couldn't talk, eat, remember certain things, walk, etc. Was this our new life?
        Today is the 5 year anniversary of the stroke. Not only has Charlie shown that she can't be held down, but God has proven His words. Things were okay that day, and things have continued to get better. The stroke taught me to be worthy of the whispering of the spirit, hold my family close, and remain positive.
       Sure glad you made it through, Char. Things might not be the same as they were before, but the stroke brought a lot of positivity. I'd even go so far as to say life is better because of it.