My Legacy- To Love You

   

The photo wall next to my bed. It reminds me of how rich my life really is. 

 I sat and watched as these "troubled students" knock their heads back, befuddled by the question I had just posed. It was my second day as their teacher and I felt that it was incredibly important for me to understand the root of these students' desires. They're in my class generally because they struggle to stay on top of their work. A handful of them experiment with drug use, many of them have no support at home, there are those that experience depression, anxiety, and of course they each suffer from "being a teenager" (Ugh! We've all been there...)  They have failed classes in the past and are now barely keeping their heads above water.
       It's a fairly difficult job: Get the students who don't know how to, or don't care to succeed, to, well... succeed. I asked the students to stop what they were doing and sit in a big circle with me. I explained we would be spending the first bit of class getting to know each other. The girls seemed interested while the boys as if it was a ridiculous idea. I started with a simple question of what their favorite color was and we all answered. The person to my right had to ask the next question, and so forth until we had each asked one question and answered many. I loved watching the awkwardness melt away as they found points of connections with their peers. It finally came back to me and I asked the final question, "What do you want your legacy to be?"
       It's something that's been weighing heavily on my mind for a while now. Recently a friend from my own junior high years unexpectedly passed away, and then almost immediately following my neighbor and youth leader also returned to our Father in Heaven. I've listened as friends and family  recited memories of them. I've seen their Facebook pages flooded with kind words. I have even seen news articles dedicated to the impact that they have had on the world. I've almost been haunted by the question, what is my legacy?
      I started with my answer so the students would get that I was serious about the question. I told them that I wanted people to be able to say that I made them feel so loved, that I was a best friend to everyone I met. I heard many unique and touching answers. I had them write it down and hang it on the wall so they could remember that they didn't have to settle for being the trouble maker, class clown, or punk kid.
      My heart is changing. We are more than our weaknesses or bad moments. As I watch people leave my life I become a more forgiving, positive person. These relationships always seem to matter even that much more once they are gone. It's unfortunate that I don't always celebrate our relationships in the moment. However, realizing this has made it easier to develop the legacy I so desire to have. I'm surrounded by incredible examples and the kindest hearts. I love each of you. Your legacies inspire me. Your life matters to me. Your potential astounds me. I love you, so much.

       I'm grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. It helps us maintain an eternal perspective. It requires us to grow. It teaches us to love. It reminds us of who we really are, children of God.

Arise and Eat

  I've thought about this story time and time again, and think there are crucial lessons to learn. Here we have Elijah, a prophet of great reputation, at his lowest. As he is running away from severe danger he finds himself exhausted. The kind of exhaustion that is all encompassing. This amazing, chosen, man went as far as he could before stopping and telling the Lord he wished to 'throw in the towel'.

1 Kings 19:4-8

4 ¶But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers.

I wish to highlight the fact that this was a righteous and good man. He was constantly doing the Lord's work and yet, times got really, really hard. Depression, discouragement, and even despair are real--even within correct living. 

     This next part in what gets me though...

 5 And as he lay and slept under a juniper tree, behold, then an angel touched him, and said unto him, Arise and eat.

 6 And he looked, and, behold, there was a cake baken on the coals, and a cruse of water at his head. And he did eat and drink, and laid him down again.

 7 And the angel of the Lord came again the second time, and touched him, and said, Arise and eat; because the journey is too great for thee.

 8 And he arose, and did eat and drink, and went in the strength of that meat forty days and forty nights

    That's it! That's so incredibly profound and reassuring. Did you catch it?! 

The aid in his lowest moments was an angel sent to give him something to eat. At first Elijah didn't get it. He ate and went back to where he was previously. The second time the angel makes himself more clear. He explains the importance of this nourishment. He tells him that the journey is in fact too difficult. This food was the way, the answer. 
    It provides so much clarity to why we must feast upon the words of Christ ourselves. 2nd Nephi 32: 3 Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.
     The reality is life is hard. WAY hard at times. Inside the church we have a quote that I often hear it's, "God will never give you anything you can't handle." I'd like to clarify. God doesn't give anything we can't handle IF we use the tools He's provided. Alone, I think it absolutely is too difficult at times. We have the resources though. He have the answers and the way. Prayer, service, attending both our church meetings and the temple, but specifically we have the word of God. I repeat from the scripture in 2Nephi, they tell us ALL THINGS what we should do. 
      I know that with God on our side anything is possible. It is thanks to the scriptures that I have confidence to take any step I take, no matter how terrifying to difficult it might be. 
   ARISE AND EAT, the journey is too hard if you don't. Save yourself the heartache and find the most constant unfailing companion. Therein lies joy.

    I love you and know that we've got this! One foot in front of the other. (That's how this tale of Elijah ends... he MOVES. He goes! So can we.) 

My Greatest Link To My Past and Brightest Hope For My Future

     I woke up today with a powerful gratitude for these lovely faces pictured above, so I threw together a poem for them. LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! 

       I'm in a special stage of life, 

       everyone keeps telling me. 

Decisions are mine for the making 

and big opportunities are mine for the taking. 

It's when I get to find myself

and be free from any ties.

I get to meet a ton of new friends

and search for a man through my "future husband lens."

It's time do just what I want

and go just where I please

But it seems to me that all I want

can sometimes feel like a cruel taunt.

My friends are all getting married

in fact most girls have their first baby.

It often feels like I'm behind

and a constant friend is hard to find. 

So I sit a pout that life moves on

and wish that I could just rewind

then I realize who's still here

this new outlook settles all my fears.

They're the ones that know me best

That love me through and through

I never really realized 

because world sure had me hypnotized.

Friends are crucial 

I could never deny it,

I have love for each girl and boy

But family has become my number one joy.

They live next door

and coast to coast

from babyhood 'til now

we're together for eternity, we each have made that vow.

I know it might sound so cliche

but my family is the best

I ALWAYS know I can count on them

I finally found God's greatest gem.

I know that life will always change

and my future could take wild turns

but I sleep easy knowing that 

my best friends stand pat.

I thank God for all of you

and know I'm never alone

you each have shown me so much love

it's something I stand in awe of.

I love you 'til the end of time

and then a little longer

my dear family I'm SO happy

this new outlook has finally found me.

I hear you.

     

         It was my freshman year of college and I was ready to live it up. My social standing was at an all time importance to me. I'd stay up all hours of the night doing whatever weird activity was going on. We had an "open door" policy in our apartment, meaning the front door was wide open anytime we were awake. New friends constantly were being made, always laughing, always go-go-going.
        Our first fast Sunday came and I sat there in the middle of our "cool kids row", when suddenly I felt the strong impression to go up and share my testimony. It was at least 20 minutes into the testimony segment of the meeting and not one person in my row had gone up. I felt anxious and nervous. I battled within myself for quite sometime until the time expired. I felt slightly guilty for not heeding the prompting but ultimately figured it probably saved me from some form of social suicide.
       To my great dismay this same feeling returned to me month after month until I had finally found the way to just shut the spirit up. I sat "in peace"  during the rest of the fast and testimony meetings. I was so glad I wasn't going to be caught up there like one of those weirdos blubbering about something we didn't really listen to. Cool kids didn't talk in church, hardly attend their meetings, and most definitely didn't go to church to learn. I was cool.
       Towards the end of my time there my very favorite roommate decided that she wanted to make a grand change in her life. It was remarkable to watch her begin to take interest in the things of the gospel. She'd ask me about the Book of Mormon, how to be able to enter the temple, what the word of wisdom and law of chastity meant to me, etc. As I saw light enter her eyes I remembered my own testimony. I thought that it'd be a beautiful thing to share my testimony the last Sunday in the ward. Of course my last Sunday didn't fall on a fast and testimony meeting, so I arranged a musical number so I could share my testimony in a  more comfortable way for me. I dubbed that "good enough" to represent all I had inside. Besides it was the "coolest" way I could think of going about it.
        We got to church that Sunday and as we sat down I glanced over my program and noticed., my name wasn't listed. Instead there wasn't just one choir number but two! What?!! I sat through the meeting sure that they'd correct the mistake at some point. An hour and fifteen minutes later I was still sitting in my same spot. Testimony sick of being held inside of me, feeling utterly looked over. I felt alone. I left the church building and began crying.
       I learned a hard lesson that day. The call to repentance swung down like an ax. I knew suddenly, I had caused my own deafness to the spirit. I had found the way to shut him out. I knew perfectly how to ignore him and only call on the gospel in times of my need and convenience. However even that had begun to feel ineffective.. Whatever great things God had in mind for me that year I had decided to opt out of and do my own thing. The tragedy was I had nothing to show for my own sorry efforts. I had lost myself, Him, and direction.

          Part two of this long tale begins with me being set apart to go on my mission. I was ready for some crazy change where all of a sudden the voice of the Lord would literally speak to me in an audible voice. At first I was troubled because it wasn't so. I felt as if this was maybe a fantasy of people that wanted to believe so badly, they convinced themselves their thoughts were something from on high. I struggled with this disillusion until I heard a quote from Elder Bednar stating to "stop worrying about whether it's you or the spirit and just do good".
        That worked for me, so anything that felt good and right to me, I did. (even if I figured I was coming up with it.) However gradually I began to see that my thought were no longer my own. Ideas would come to mind that I would have never thought up. Strange coincidences started occurring. I would know exactly what to say, where to go, and what to do. My accomplishments were greatly surpassing my own ability and intelligence. I understood for the first time, the voice of the spirit was finally heard in the way I had so so desired.  I had completely stop caring what kind of impression I was making on those around me and was solely focused on heeding the impressions I received.
       That may be the most treasured truth I own. The key to all success, confidence, joy, and truth lies within the spirit. Go with your good instincts. The Lord will see that you are open and available to promptings and use that as a powerful avenue to guide. Never never go against what your heart tells you, that only creates distance and makes it harder to hear his voice. The world is already much too boisterous. Tune in, and follow your heart.
      Oh and remember we're meant to be a "peculiar people". That's what cool is. 

1Peter 2:9 But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light.

Time To Check It Off The List

       

      I'm one of those people who believes in bucket lists. I think they're fun, inspire goals and adventure, and above all they fill your life with excitement. My list isn't too extensive, like some peoples 1000 things to do before they die. I've got plenty of goals though. Each one takes preparation, and some really hard work. That's what's good though, your bucket list should push you to grow.
       Today I take off on an adventure in which one of my bucket items will be crossed off. I couldn't be more TERRIFIED! I'm heading to St. George to spend some quality time with friends, watch some good movies, be by the pool, get some shopping in, but that main activity will be hiking Angels Landing.

Doesn't it look daunting?!

      Here's the deal, everyone is telling me, "Thousands before you have done it!" " I knew an 8 year old with disabilities that did it just fine." or "It's not as bad as you think." As much as I wish those words were consoling I don't seem to be pacified by them at all.Guys, hiking the Y makes me think I'm dying. This is like hiking the Y five times in a row!! (Well, with a much prettier hike/view for sure.) I literally woke up last night with a killer stomach ache 'cause I'm SO nervous. 

       I remind myself however, I'm going with great, patient friends. When doing hard things you just need to take your time, take a breath, and take a step forward. Can you imagine what a champion I'll feel like once I've conquered this literal mountain?! Fear and insecurities do not get to dictate my life, and I'm going to prove that all the way up Angels Landing. 

       So wish me luck, say LOTS of prayers for me, and go do something that you don't think you can do. We're stronger than we think!!! 

Coincidence?

       

        The other day I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine about divine intervention vs coincidence. I am of the opinion that God is highly involved and laces our entire path with people we need to know, things we need to learn, and obstacles we need to grow from. My friend didn't quite agree, in fact he scuffed, "So if you get a front row parking spot God arranged that?" Well ya know, sometimes when it's been a bad day, you're in a hurry, and have to get that candy bar you promised a student, I think yeah; He helps out. 

       As I left and have further reflected on that conversation I found undeniable evidence in my life. The most common form of divine intervention I can see is the gift of new relationships.

        Since I've returned home from my mission I haven't done nearly enough reaching out. I'm so happy with the relationships I already have. I'm not attending school just yet, go to a singles ward that basically contains all my high school peers, and live at home. Needless to say my social circle is comfortable and well established. 

       This is a good thing, I really do find comfort in it. Yet, as I've prayed for growth and direction I've found that God has placed new remarkable people in my life in addition to allowing me to nurture the older friendships as well.There is something empowering within strong, caring relationships. I can see that God intends to speak to me by who He's placed in my life.  I could go on for hours and hours talking about each close friend of mine and how they teach me and help me be who I need to be.

       Today however, I want to highlight three new friendships. My heart is just overflowing with gratitude for these three ladies, and this is a small way I can give tribute to them. I thank Heavenly Father for helping me continue to get to know amazing people.

       First let's talk about Jenna Thrope:

      This friendship all started with a picture of her in a cat costume. :) I served in Argentina with her wonderful boyfriend. Most every time I'd go to the mission office I'd pull out the pictures he had in his desk and Jenna's was always right on top. Once I came home my friendship with Josh continued. By the time I was home Josh had won over Jenna and they were a package deal.

      Instead of Jenna being territorial or uninterested in "Josh's mission friends" she became a companion to me. She's and I are usually the only girls in a huge group of guys and I couldn't be more grateful to have such a sweet side kick. I know I can always count on her to make me feel included and safe. 

       Something I love about Jenna is that she has a love for the gospel of Jesus Christ that shines through her. She made institute a priority in my life and continues to show me just how much we can trust Heavenly Father. I think that because of her shining testimony her understanding of the spirit has been made impeccable.

        A few weeks ago I was having a rough night.  I was feeling lonely and just bummed when a knock came to my door. Jenna!!! After driving around for forever trying to remember where I live, she had come to deliver me a delicious home made loaf of bread. She is full of compassion and extremely thoughtful. I love you Jenna, thank you for making me a better person, and thank you for being my side-kick!

Second up Kristin Braithwaite:

         I don't even know how to begin the tribute to Kristin. She and I worked together this last year at PG Jr. High. Immediately I was drawn in by her teaching style. She teaches to change lives and empower with knowledge. The students in her room are engaged in what's going on to the point where they don't even bother pulling out their call phones. However, that's also because she cares enough about them to give them clear limits and rules that she actually implements. 

       Something so cool about Kristin is that she has this gift where she's able to make everybody around her feel like they're her number one. I saw it time and time again with the kids. They felt like they mattered to her, which caused them to excel. Not only the students though, the other co workers flocked to her too, and even I found myself receiving so much validation and confidence from the friendship she offers. She changed my desire to magnify my job and be the best person I could be. 

        It's thanks to who she is that I have found a new confidence to go change the world. Nothing about his woman is mediocre and nothing could stop her force. She inspires grit, knowledge, personality, and dreaming. I am honored to know her and so grateful to know there are still heroes out in the world. I love you Kristin!

       Third is Laura Titensor:

       Super mom, iron woman, housewife, and BFF; these are seriously only a few of the titles this woman possesses. Laura is someone who is so extremely active and full of life! I watch her juggle being a mom and wife, as well as a committed visiting teacher, plus a friend, and a million other things, with such grace and enthusiasm. I think the coolest thing about that is, each senses that importance it carries in her life. She makes time for everything and is able to dedicate her energy and time to all.

       Something else that Laura has done for me is push me to reach my goals. Although we've known each other for sometime now it's only been lately that our friendship has blossomed. It was while I was praying for someone who could help me be a better version of myself that we became dear friends. It's thanks to her that I attend the temple weekly, or have gone running. She's such an encourager. 

       Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, Laura is put together. I'm so grateful that I can learn to live a balanced life, full of love through the example of her. Thank you Laura for being a rockstar, I love you, and think the world of you!

      

       God had also given me you! Although I may not have highlighted our friendship specifically, I know God put you in my life for a divine purpose. I love that He's done that for me and that He does it for you too. I love each and everyone of you! May we all strive a little harder to take advantage of the opportunities to know His sons and daughters around us, because who knows the beautiful relationships and unity they could bring! 

Fortune Telling

 I LOVE fortune cookies. 

Well, actually I don't love the cookie.

I get excited to crack it open and see what universe says is coming my way.

The cool thing about these lil guys is it's always something wonderful.

"You will find love in an unexpected place."

"Now is the time to try something new"

"Riches lie in the small things around you."

All encourage hope and positivity.

Today while reading my scriptures I had this same experience. 

The butterflies and the wishful daydreaming took off as I read the words,

  For verily I say unto you, that great things await you.

(Doctrine and Covenants 45:62)

I can't wait to see what the Lord was talking about!