The Spirit of God

   

         It was the slow and subtle concessions to the temptations and lies of Satan that led me to the point I found myself at. A member of the church my entire life, sitting as a missionary in the MTC, I was having a crisis of faith. I was sure that I had never felt the spirit in my entire life. I had this doubt in my heart for sometime. It had caused so much anxiety that it truly prevented me from having the experiences necessary to regaining the confidence I had once enjoyed. After offering up dozens of prayers using my mustard seed of faith God finally saw an opportunity He knew would break the walls down from around my heart.
         We filed into the Tuesday devotional and to my great surprise a fellow missionary, David Archuleta, was singing a special musical number. He began singing The Spirit of God. It was in half Spanish half English. His voice quivered with conviction. A mixture of his personal status combined with the spirit he brought claimed the room with silence. I remember hearing the first line of the song--matching it's title, "The Spirit of God like a fire is burning" I said in my heart, "It must be, I know it's there..." At the time is was only a hope. My deep desire to feel and hear it finally was granted and became reality. My heart was burning, my stilled spirit began to sing, I openly wept, and in that moment became a transformed person. I could never, ever, again question the reality of the spirit in my life or more so, as a real, literal, presence.
       Today in the dedication for the Provo City Center Temple, following tradition, we sang that same song. I felt, again, the Spirit overwhelmingly embrace me. Unable to sing without crying the entire second verse I thought back to how far I've come, and how often I allow the Spirit communicate to me in a way that I could explain to be like a fire. I want to be better at that. I want to have powerful experiences that remind me of how close Heavenly help is many times a day.
       This week I was reading in Alma 7 and what struck me most was the manner in which Alma talks about the Spirit in his life. One small example is verse 8 we read, "Behold, I do not say that he will come among us at the time of his dwelling in his mortal tabernacle; for behold, the Spirit hat not said unto me that this should be the case. Now as to this thing I do not know; but this much I do know, that the Lord God hath power to do all things which are according to his word."  Also in vs 14, "Now I say unto you that ye must repent and be born again, for the Spirit saith if ye are not born again ye cannot inherit the kingdom of heaven...." It's seven different occasions in this short chapter that he talks about what the Spirit says. I love that communication is so clear, so familiar, so matter-of-fact, and seems to be such a natural voice to be speaking out loud for.
        I know that each of has the privilege of that relationship with the Holy Ghost. It's worth living in a way where that's possible. I know it is. Nothing beats the comfort, guidance, and confidence that it offers.

I love you. The Spirit of God, like a fire, is burning. Listen, feel, and wait for it. I promise you it will come!

Tale of An All-Nighter

      

          I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a confident teacher. We've talked about this in previous blogs. It's a talent that I've worked really hard at and practice every single day. I LOVE it and have had only the best feelings about each teaching opportunity.
        That's why when the idea of being a seminary teacher was presented it felt like such natural choice. The whole process has been a delight for me. I was excited to go to class each week and left feeling like I was walking in Heaven. Truly, it has shown me a level of happiness and communion with the spirit that I don't think I've experienced since being in the MTC.
        At first this class was just for enrichment. There are certain levels of education that you have to be at before being considered. (I'm a semester or two away from being there.) I planned on taking the course to see if it was a good fit, and once I saw that it was definitely was, I resolved to come retake it upon arriving the proper benchmark.
        My teacher was well-aware of this which is why it was such a shock when he invited me to continue to the next level of the program. I had the opportunity to teach once more! He was making an exception for me!
         I was assigned Isaiah 1-5. It didn't worry me too much regardless of the reputation he carries of difficulty. I knew the kids were smart and I love taking a tricky piece of material and making it into something simple and clear.
        The strangest thing happened as I began to prepare, however. Every students lame excuse for not doing their homework became my reality. One small example is, while typing out my lesson plan the computer buzzed and turned all my labored over notes into gibberish. There was nothing that could be done, I had to start over. That had never happened before. So long story short, everything was getting ruined, as I prepared nothing felt quite right, unexpected to-do's came up, and I even got two paper cuts. Planning was a real pain.
      Finally with the help of a patient roommate and helpful friends I was able to complete my plan and practice my lesson. Their reaction was a little less than exciting, and I didn't feel overjoyed myself with the material but, it reached a place where I felt like what I had done was sufficient.
        I went to bed that night sure that God would take the short-comings and make them great. I never expected what followed. Forty-five minutes after falling asleep (which was difficult to begin with...) I woke up short of breath and feeling incredibly sick. It wasn't illness it was a panic attack. I has experienced this awful thing before-- the day before I entered and the day before I left the MTC. I shook in my bed, I felt fear encompass every inch of my body, stomach churning, breath short. I begged Heavenly Father to let me sleep. I had to be up at 5am--but nothing. It was one of the longest and more difficult nights of my life.
       I stared up at my ceiling waiting for the alarm to go off. I rolled out of bed attempted to put myself together as the trembling perused, and began my drive to the school. I felt completely spent. Empty. Exhausted. I continued praying 'til I entered the classroom. Peace totally came over me. My lesson went smoothly. I had energy. I felt the same bliss that I had experienced each class period  before. I felt His hands on my shoulders.
        It was a few hours following my lesson that I received an e-mailing me inviting me to continue in the program. How could it be? Me? God has once again shown that He can take a lump of clay and make it into a functioning vessel.
         This week my scripture study posed the questions.... (Alma 5:26-28)

 26 And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?

 27 Have ye walked, keeping yourselves blameless before God? Could ye say, if ye were called to die at this time, within yourselves, that ye have been sufficiently humble? That your garments have been cleansed and made white through the blood of Christ, who will come to redeem his people from their sins?

 28 Behold, are ye stripped of pride? I say unto you, if ye are not ye are not prepared to meet God.

     I'm so grateful for opportunities I have to remember how much I need God, how much I hate Satan, and how much room I have to grow. He makes me all that I am and I could do nothing without Him. Pain in growth is always shadowed by the joy of success found inside the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

          The powers of those unseen are real. There is so much good and so much bad around us. I know that as we strive to submit only to the good we will be unstoppable. The powers of Hell and Satan cannot concur God--so we can't choose to surrender.

      "I testify that bad days come to an end, that faith always triumphs and that Heavenly promises are always kept." -Elder Holland

The church is true! Love you all! 'Til next week!

Learning to Run

My blog starts with this incredible song today :)

My favorite section of lyrics reads:         Sometimes I feel like
                                                    I've never been nothing but tired
                                                    And I'll be working
                                                    Till the day I expire
                                                    Sometimes I lay down
                                                    No more can I do
                                                    But then I go on again
                                                    Because you ask me to

     This week it was easy to relate to the song. I balance two jobs (40+ hours a week), full time school (with three nasty midterms this week), keeping up a social life, making time for church responsibilities, and then I just added teaching another seminary class into the mix. Before it sounds too whiny let me say, I LOVE WHAT I DO! If I didn't love it, I wouldn't do it. However fatigue creeps in. I start to feel like I've spread myself too thin and when it comes time to do the very most important things my energy seems futile. 

      It's the classic object lesson. You have to fit rocks, water, and pebbles into a jar without having anything spill out. It is impossible to accomplish unless you put the rocks (symbolizing spiritual priorities) in first. However, I'm gonna 'fess up--I don't always remember to do that. I know that the problem I'm going to discuss would be resolved if I would simply remember to prioritize and always put spiritual things first.

       Sometimes I do a bad job at reading my scriptures. Sometimes I kneel down in prayer to end my day and fall asleep before I can say "amen." Sometimes I cancel my trips to the temple to fit it more study time because I used my original time to do that hanging out with friends. Sometimes I'm really lame and forget what's most important. 

       The effects of my bad balancing can lead to potentially very dangerous consequences. As I slack in my diligence I begin to lose momentum--in all things. I begin to feel bad about the things I'm not giving enough attention to. I begin to feel like I can't accomplish anything. I begin to feel like all my hard work, especially in refining my testimony is getting lost. I feel like Satan is biting at my heels waiting for me to not accomplish my visiting teaching, or go to the temple, or have the ability to listen and understand the spirit. 

       This is when I begin to feel like I'm running. The visual I have is me running towards some distant light, although the majority of the world around me is dark. I have that feeling of someone being behind me. It's so ominous. I'm running and running, out of breath, to avoid the seemingly unavoidable overtake of this darkness. It's exhausting. 

        But, wait. Then I make time for the gospel. I bring it back to the top priority. I study my scriptures first, I pray sincerely, I act immediately on spiritual promptings, and my vision changes. I'm no longer running away from darkness, I'm running towards my Savior. The visual is brightness. The feeling is joyful anticipation. I'm giddy. Energy isn't even a question because I'm so focused on getting to the One who makes me whole, I don't even notice that I'm running. 

       Today in my study I read, Mosiah 27:29 "My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity, I was in the darkest abyss, but now I behold the marvelous light of God." 

        I know that as I strive to put God first life becomes a joy. My perspective shifts dramatically and I am able to accomplish more than I ever believed possible.

Find rest in God. Keep your priorities straight. Remember that you aren't running from Satan but running towards Christ. I love you and appreciate you! Happy Sunday! 

Porn Kills Love--Good or Bad Movement?

         

           The ads are pretty hard to miss, "PORN KILLS LOVE" is all over each of our Facebook feeds. Not only that but the T-shirts with the same logo are proudly worn by many. Oh, and did I mention the organization came and did assembly at the Jr. High I work at? If this is the first thing you've heard of the phrase, here is what is what I'm taking about: fightthenewdrug.org

          I've been a big fan of this movement from the first time I've seen it. In fact I'd bet good money I'm getting one of their shirts for my birthday. It wasn't until this last weekend that I saw it in a different light.
           My dear friend and I had gotten into the conversation about this group and he said, "I feel like for every step forward that they take, they take two steps back." I was pretty surprised. Awareness to such a destructive habit had only been good in my mind. He explained that he felt like it was detrimental to be telling people that struggle with pornography that "love was killed".
         Don't misunderstand, we both agreed there needs to be open discussion on the effects pornography can and do have. What he was saying (as far as I understood) was that making people feel like the future serial killers and helpless, brainless, loveless, idiots wasn't the answer.
        This same week that I had this thought provoking conversation I was reading in Mosiah 22-27. There is a group of people that are in Lamanite bondage and they are in the process of escaping. It really is a nail biter. As I read it felt as if the Lord giving me clarity and insight to the conversations of the week. Here's what I got:

                      (vs.9) "Remember the iniquity of king Noah and his priests (for application: people that participate in pornographic activities); and I myself was caught in a snare, and did many things which were abominable in the sight of the Lord, which caused me sore repentance.."  I'm not writing to advocate for lesser consequences or avoiding frank talks about pornography. Like the sins described in this verse it is abominable and ought to cause sore repentance. BUT there is more to it!

                        (vs.10) Nevertheless, after much tribulation, the Lord did hear my cries, and did answer my prayers, and has made me an instrument in his hands in bringing so many of you to a knowledge of his truth." 
 
                         (vs 12) And  now I unto you, ye have been oppressed by (pornography) and have been in bondage to (it)...therefore ye were bound with the bands of iniquity." 

             Now here is where the insights really started flowing:

              (vs 13) "And now as you have been delivered by the power of God out of these bonds, yea even out of the hands of (pornography) and also the bands of iniquity, even so I desire that ye should stand fast in this liberty wherewith YE HAVE BEEN MADE FREE and that ye trust no (sin) to be king over you. 

                and although the context doesn't quite match the phrase (vs 17), "except it were by him from God." ended this reading with such a bright light.

What I'm proposing is that maybe phrase "Porn kills love" isn't so bad and so destructive if you immediately follow it up with "Jesus Christ restores love". Sin is sin, and consequences are inevitable. We know that pornography is incredibly bad, no shying away from that. However, Jesus Christ has overcome the world and is your support. He'll fix the "craters" it might have blown in your mind (referring to a quote by Elder Holland-when he says that that is the effect of pornography). He makes you feel loved and teaches how to have pure love in your heart.

      He takes our imperfections, big or small, and makes us into something amazing. ALL of us. His love for us is NEVER killed. I love you too. Now to take the steps forward to trusting Him and letting him deliver us from bondage--allowing His love to be the love we need first and foremost.

Freedom!

          "Yeah sure" just kinda slipped out. I would have never agreed had I actually thought about what was being asked of me. At this point in time I was hardly attending Sunday School let alone wanting to teach it. However, I'm not someone to go back on my word so I decided I'd just have to make it work.
         Throughout the week I was consumed by the stress of subbing this gospel doctrine class. Luckily my best friend was a confident teacher and incredibly knowledgeable in the gospel.  She was very kind and agreed to co-teach with me that Sunday.
        We prepared and practiced and finally Sunday came. I was sick to my stomach. As soon as I got in front of the class I froze. It truly was a saving grace having my friend by my side. My stomach ached, my eyes went blurry, my palms were sweaty, and my words were jumbled. I think I said maybe two sentences for the entire hour "we" were teaching.
          After that painful experience I vowed to never teach again.

          Now fast forward four years later. Since then I've served a mission, been called as a gospel doctrine teacher, been asked to teach relief society, give firesides, and put on devotionals. I hadn't considered this amazing change within myself until this week because of how slowly and subtly God had lead me to this point in time.
         This week held a really big landmark for me. I began student teaching as a seminary teacher. Now to be clear, I'm about a year away from actually entering the seminary teaching program so as of now it's just me getting 'wet behind the ears.' It's for me to gain experience teaching in a seminary situation.
          I spent hours preparing, I made all my friends allow me to practice teach them, I got up at 5 am so I could be there on time (I was teaching early morning so that I could get to my job on time.) and I was challenging myself to put together my first ever PowerPoint meant for teaching. To top it off I was asked to teach 2Kings 20-25--those chapters come off as a suuuuper drag until you do some digging.
         Moments before I stepped into the classroom I bowed my head to talk to Heavenly Father. It occured to me--I was a new person. He had taken this pathetic, nervous, and incompetent girl and turned me into someone who is willing to sacrifice anything to teach. Not only that but I can now do so with confidence and excitment; so much so I'm wanting to devote my whole entire life to it.
           We are the clay, He is the potter, and we must allow ourselves to be the works of His hands.

         This week I read in Mosiah 5:8, "And under this head (Jesus Christ) ye are made free..." It is all thanks to my relationship with Jesus Christ and my knowledge that I am God's daughter that I have been able to free myself from my feelings of being an inadequate teacher, or my fear of people seeing how little I feel like I know about the gospel. He has made me free.

Ether 12:27, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto them their weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me, and have fiath in me then will I make weak things become stron unto them." 

    Include the Savior and your Father in all you're striving to become and I know that mountains will be moved. The most impossible and unlikely changes can happen.

   I love you and I'm excited for us to be more than we think we can be!

He said, "Be Mine"

     

        Stumbling onto her blog was rather happenstance. We had stopped following each other on Facebook a long while back, so I had lost total touch with what was going on in her life. So a few days ago, I began reading with great wonder.
      The back story is a typical high-school love triangle. I loved boy, she loved boy too, boy couldn't decide. We never knew each other as anything other than, the obstacle between "our soulmate". *swoon* Post graduation is when I was finally crowned the winner of this consuming battle. Boy chose me! We were in love. (Well...at least for a time...)
      Now here I am six years later, reading what happened to her since, "I won.". She wrote the most beautiful post detailing how she found her dream man. (Frankly he sounds like the dream man.) They live such a happy and wonderful life. She openly discusses the difficulties of life but above all the many, many blessings that she enjoys; highlighting her husband as the most grand blessing of all.
     It was a mix of giddiness from the romance of the story but mostly self-doubt, that I felt upon reading. All these years that I thought I had won were a deception. I, being more single than ever before, felt like the biggest loser.
      This went on for a couple days. It was the first time I longed for marriage. It was the first time that every part of me ached for companionship. I came up with lists of why I wasn't lovable. I began to criticize each decision I had made, leading myself to be nearly 25, and without so much as an admirer. To top it off that same weekend was the wedding of my most recent ex-boyfriend's wedding. (Haha, I didn't know I could pull off tragic lonely girl so well....)
        So before I lose all dignity, let's move on. Valentine's Day is likely my favorite holiday. I ravish this day dedicated to expressing love! I know, I know, we shouldn't need a day to do it, but that fact that it is there to act as a reminder and opportunity is wonderful. To top this year's V-Day off, it's fallen on my favorite day of the week, Sunday!
        As I was getting ready this morning, reading through the endless feed of sweet dedications I thought to myself, what do I have to say about the man that I love? Here is the beginnings of  what I could come up with:

• He makes me feel beautiful  
• He makes me be the best version of myself
• He loves my family and friends as much, if not even more than I do!
• He pushes me to do things I never thought possible
• He's the best teacher is the world (A trait that I LOVE)
• He is fiercely loyal
• He tells me I'm special
• If there are 99 other people in a room, he still manages to make me feel remembered and unique
• He makes me so, so incredibly happy. 
• He has a plan
• He is dedicated
• He loves kids
• He not only hears me but he listens to me
• He is willing to pick up the slack, every time my dedication to the relationship isn't what it deserves to be
•  He makes my past feel noble, my present feel secure, and my future bright and exciting

   I could go on and on and on.....
My Savior, Jesus Christ, loves me. I love him. Until I find that special someone, here on earth, I can feel completely whole knowing that I am not alone, and that the most perfect human being there ever was loves me.

Romans 8:35,37-39

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril of sword?

Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

      May we each feel completely loved today. Because that's the truth, we are. Even without the chocolates, long dedications on social media, or flowers, we are so so loved. I love you, and happy Valentine's Day

Equation of Happiness

HAPPY SUNDAY!

And not just because *SPOILER ALERT* The Broncos WON! 

       I'm reading in Mosiah, and eating up every word King Benjamin has to say! It's like music is playing in my heart and the sun has come out after a long winter!

      The few verses I wanted to share with you begin with Mosiah 4:41, "...consider in the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God."

Why is this verse so intriguing?

       I confess to personally focusing way too much on how sad I am by the bad choices being made. I acknowledge, easily, how sad of a state the fallen are in. However, I don't often put the blessed and happy state of the righteous in the forefront of my mind. Seriously though, aren't my most consistently happiest and most consistently confident friends and family members the ones that are living the gospel faithfully? The answer is so obviously, yes.

It was touching to hear a convert of nine months say in our fast and testimony meeting today, "Ever since I became a member of the Church of Jesus of Christ of Latter Day Saints my bad days are no longer so bad, and my dark times are still bright because of the hope and happiness I have obtained."

Consider the happy and blessed state of the righteous.

The last two verses I want to highlight are in Mosiah 4:11-12 " And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your should, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance the greatness of God and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel. And behold I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice and be filled with the love of God, and always retain a remission of your sins, and ye shall grow in the knowledge of the glory of him that created you or in the knowledge of that which is just and true."  (POWERFUL equation right there! Want to always rejoice, be clean, etc?..,THIS IS HOW!)

SO empowering. SO true. SO encouraging. The gospel makes me feel limitless! The gospel gives me confidence! The gospel gives me wings. I.AM.SO.HAPPY!!!!!

Here's a link to a song that always makes me smile :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHASQg8fR0s